


pink sweater hatersTM

by maidmarian101



Category: Day6 (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crack, Everyone is a gay mess, Fluff, Group chat, M/M, Mutual Pining, Texting, brian thinks he's straight for waaaay too long lmao, someone save sungjin, stan twitter talk, tbh this is pure crack, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-07-17 06:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maidmarian101/pseuds/maidmarian101
Summary: aigee: felix idk much about you but i definitely know you're the worst person i've ever metjisungie: he usually takes that as a complimentaussie boi: i'm gay-or the stray6 groupchat nobody wanted nor needed but got anyways





	1. 'babes, i appreciate the sentiment - but you're broke'

**Author's Note:**

> Jae - chicken lil  
> Sungjin - bob  
> Brian - boy toy/brain  
> Wonpil - unopeel  
> Dowoon - little drummer boy  
> Chan - chan  
> Woojin - shark/stroek  
> Minho - minhoe  
> Changbin - slorp  
> Hyunjin - angel  
> Jisung - jisungie  
> Felix - aussie boi  
> Seungmin - grass  
> Jeongin - aigee

15:56PM chicken lil has created a new chat

chicken lil has added boy toy, bob, unopeel and little drummer boy

chicken lil has added chan, shark, slorp, angel, jisungie, grass and aigee

chicken lil has named the chat pink sweater hatersTM

unopeel: what did it ever do to you huh

chicken lil: everything

chan: ??? explain jae

bob: why??

chicken lil: okay so to save storage on my phone i'm combining all my chats into one so this is the product of all the people i talk to

boy toy: jae you know i'll buy you more storage

chicken lil: babes, i appreciate the sentiment but you're broke

boy toy: yeah okay

boy toy: wait why is my brother here??

boy toy: jae??

chicken lil: because i talk to him??

jisungie: yeah get off his back brian

boy toy: shut up peter

jisungie: we agreed never to use that name

unopeel: wait my brother is here too

chicken lil: that would be because i talk to him 

chan: okay slow down who's related to who

chan: and who is who i don't even have half these numbers

chan: who are you and how do you all know jae

shark: i'm woojin but you already knew that, and i know jae the same way you do, which you also already know

bob: hi i'm sungjin, jae's college roommate who never escaped

unopeel: i'm unfortunate enough to be living with sungjin so therefore i know jae

bob: oi

chicken lil: oi

grass: i'm wonpil's brother but you already knew that

chan: yeah hey seungmin

chan: why grass? 

chicken lil: idk i thought it was funny

aigee: i'm jeongin, i know jisung and somehow jae has my number

chicken lil: you're my child uwu

aigee: i am Not

chicken lil: this is homophobia

angel: i'm hyunjin and i know wonpil but i'm more around seungmin's age than wonpil's

angel: also i'm woojin's roommate so yeah

grass: yeah hey hyunjin

shark: yo why is hyunjin blushing now

angel: shut uP 

angel: IM NOT BLUSHING

grass: ok

little drummer boy: i'm dowoon and i'm wonpil's boyfriend

chan: nice hi

slorp: and you know me already but i'm changbin and i know jae through hyunjin

chicken lil: yeet

boy toy: and i'm jae's best friend brian 

unopeel: *boyfriend

chicken lil: *best friend

boy toy: this is your fault jae

chicken lil: how can i make it up to you babes

boy toy: first off i'm not your boy toy

chicken lil: mmm debatable

boy toy: seriously change this name

chicken lil: fine

chicken lil has changed boy toy's username to brain

chicken lil: happy

brain: intesnsely

jisungie: congrats on your great spelling skills bro

brain: thnaks

chan: since this is a giant mess already can i add my cousin felix

chan: if for nobody's benefit but changbin's

slorp: what

chicken lil: oh yeah i forgot i had felix's number i'll add him

chicken lil has added aussie boi

chan: why am i not aussie boi????

aussie boi: bc that's my thing innit

jisungie: feLIIIIIIIIIIX

aussie boi: jISUNGGGGGGG

jisungie: i mISSED YOU

aussie boi: i missed you tooo

slorp: yeah i missed you as well

aussie boi: yee i missed you too changbin

aussie boi: <3

shark: gross

shark: i mean what

slorp: what

aussie boi: what

slorp: ....

slorp: <3

chicken lil: disgusting

bob: hey y'all omw to bleach my eyes out

grass: ...why

bob: seungmin darling please mute the chat for two minutes and don't scroll up when you return

grass: ....okayy

bob: just saw dowoon and wonpil doing it in the apartment

aigee: ewwww

brain: sungjin sweetie i am so sorry

chan: YIKES

bob: it was TRAUMATIC

bob: this is the fifth time this month as well

jisungie: what are they on???

bob: the couch

jisungie: i meant in a drugs sense but thanks for the info

brain: sungieeeeeee

jisungie: yes

bob: yes

brain: no not you bob

brain: jisungie are you almost back yet i'm craving caffeine

jisungie: yes yes i'm at the coffee shop dw

jisungie: wait GUYS OMFG

jisungie: it's the cute guy from hyunjin's dance classsss

aussie boi: WAIT REALLY

aussie boi: THE SAME ONE YOU WERE GUSHING ABOUT LAST WEEK??

jisungie: yes him

jisungie: god he gets cuter every time i see him

chan: does our sungie have a crush????

chicken lil: ABOUT TIME

brain: show me a pic of himmmmm

jisungie: i can't take a photo in the shop brian

brain: fair

brain: what's his insta

jisungie: if only i knew 

angel: wait... do you know his name

jisungie: i'll wait till the waitress calls it out hold on

aussie boi: IM WAITING

chicken lil: our baby boy jisung is growing up

chicken lil: i feel so proud

chicken lil: brian can we have kids

brain: full offence jae but neither of us have a job or a house or a savings account

chicken lil: yeah okay

jisungie: LEE MINHO

jisungie: THE CUTE GUY'S NAME IS LEE MINHO

angel: WAIT OMG I KNOW HIM

angel: DUDE HIS INSTA IS leeknow.dance

brain: BRB STALKING

aussie boi: TWO STEPS AHEAD OF YOU

brain: oh he is cute

aussie boi: fuckkkk that man is attractive

slorp: uhh he's eh

chan: are you kidding me changbin that is a beautiful man

aussie boi: i mean were he not jisung's i might chase after him myself

slorp: ...

slorp: personality is everything

aussie boi: yeah ik ik

aussie boi: .... i would smash though

grass: whAT DID I JUST COME BACK TO

grass: NOPE I AM LEAVING

grass: BYE BYE

brain: okay bye y'all jae is back home and i want cuddles

bob: y'all are c...cute 

chicken lil: yeah ik

jisungie: i want to talk to minho

shark: then do it??

jisungie: I'M NERVOUS

aigee: do you want me to come help you

jisungie: full offense jeongin but you know less about romance than me

aigee: rude

jisungie: at least i've been in a relationship once

aussie boi: you will need Help bro

jisungie: NOT from you

aussie boi: wHy

jisungie: you'll tell him to marry me then offer your 'assets' in exchange for pringles

aussie boi: come on that was ONE time 

chan: i would come but i have to study rn

bob: rip

bob: just idk start a conversation

bob: talk about the coffee or something

jisungie: thanks sungjin

jisungie: wish me luck

16:42PM  
jisungie: GUYS HE'S EVEN CUTER WHEN HE SPEAKS

jisungie: like he mostly says mean stuff but ITS STILL SO CUTE

angel: yeah he's like that

angel: how many times did he hit you during your conversation?

jisungie: ...

jisungie: four

angel: sounds about right

chan: u good jisung?

jisungie: i am Excellent

brain: tell me more

jisungie: so i sat down and this guy is just staring at me with the cutest fukcing eyes

jisungie: and i start talking about the fucking coffee for some reason and i want to bleach my eyes out but his laugh and smile are so pretty it makes me want to cry :(((

chicken lil: aww 

jisungie: turns out we actually have a lot in common including music taste and i just want to make him laugh more

grass: this is the softest thing i've ever read

jisungie: and yeah we exchanged numbers before he had to go and i'm currently bringing brian his coffee

brain: idec that i'm getting cold coffee my baby brother found love

aussie boi: yass get your man jisung

aigee: hey can anybody hit me with a truck rn

slorp: i don't own a truck sorry

aussie boi: if any of you THINK about hitting jeongin with a truck i'll make sure you won't ever drive again

aigee: but hyung i don't want to do my exams

chicken lil: LMAOO FAT MOOD

little drummer boy: jae you're out of school you don't have exams

chicken lil: but i want to die

unopeel: valid

grass: are y'all okay

shark: hyunjin is very okay with you dropping him a dm

angel: woojin kindly shut the fuck up

grass: okay

shark: HYUNJIN JUST WENT BRIGHT RED

grass: ah nice

grass: ;)

unopeel: DAMN SON WHEN'D YOU GET GAME

bob: shortly after you moved out i'd presume

unopeel: this is cyberbullying

bob: so i'm confused what and who are we shipping

shark: okay i'll explain 

shark: wait hold on

 

16:59  
woojin has created a new chat

woojin has added chan, jeongin, dowoon, wonpil and sungjin

woojin has named the chat Plotting

woojin: so

woojin: good evening all

woojin: let the playing cupid begin


	2. 'i'm not homophobic but go off i guess'

woojin: let the playing cupid begin

sungjin: who are we playing cupid on???

wonpil: isn't it obvious

chan: no???

jeongin: so you see

jeongin: we have at least three matters to attend to

sungjin: ok??

jeongin: matter 1 is that of hyunjin and seungmin

woojin: hyunjin likes seungmin

dowoon: and seungmin thinks hyunjin is cute

jeongin: if changbin ever heard someone describe hyunjin as merely cute and not something reminiscent of 'jaw-droppingly gorgeous' he would fight

dowoon: hyunbin is off topic

jeongin: matter 2 is that changbin really really likes felix and felix is too dense to realise he likes changbin

chan: yes i already know that part

sungjin: it's a little obvious changbin is into him tbh

jeongin: and the third is that jae is clearly gay for brian and i'm 64% sure it's mutual

wonpil: bro its 100% mutual

woojin: most likely yes

chan: so what exactly are we going to do about all this?

dowoon: isn't that the point of having the chat though

dowoon: so we can figure it out

woojin: precisely

woojin: does anybody have any initial ideas

jeongin: yes

woojin: not you 

jeongin: r00d

chan: well we could do what we were doing anyways and constantly tease them about being in love

wonpil: poor hyunjin might spontaneously combust if we do that

woojin: poor hyunjin is going to spontaneously combust whatever seungmin does anyway tbh

 

17:01  
pink sweater hatersTM  
chicken lil: tell me you texted him jisung

jisungie: mmmaybe

brain: so you meant no

jisungie: yerp

jisungie: i'm NERVOUS OKAY

grass: ya we gathered that

angel: it's okay to be nervous, but tbh minho doesn't give many people his number so he must really like you

angel: i tried to get his number for a whole year until i actually befriended him and discovered his personality

jisungie: well that's reassuring

angel: nono he'll be perfect for you it's just

angel: i'm not really interested in my boyfriend hitting me every four seconds

unopeel: oh don't worry seungmin was raised better than that

grass: what

angel: what

bob: jisung i actually think you should text minho asap

jisungie: i literally just saw him at the coffee shop but thanks dad

chicken lil: i'm literally sitting on brian's lap but we're still texting instead of talking so TEXT MINHO

aigee: ha gayyy

brain: jeongin is homophobic proof 2018

aigee: i'm not homophobic but go off i guess

brain: i'm not even gay

little drummer boy: false

chicken lil: i'm gay

angel: me too

chicken lil: well i'm kinda gay

chicken lil: pro homo

chan: this conversation is a TRAINWRECK

shark: what's the gay to straight ratio here

aussie boi: sup fucks i'm here i'm queer

aigee: felix idk much about you but i definitely know you're the worst person i've ever met

jisungie: he usually takes that as a compliment

aussie boi: i'm gay

slorp: me too

chan: i'm straight

aigee: same

little drummer boy: i'm pan

unopeel: i'm a flaming homosexual

jisungie: i'm bi i think

bob: i'm straight

grass: idk???? not straight???

brain: i'm straight

unopeel: incorrect

shark: ok thanks for the info the ratio seems to be (including me) 4:9

shark: the straightsTM being myself, chan, jeongin and bob

brain: i'm straight tho????

jeongin: no

brain: jeongin is heterophobix evidence 2018

jisungie: you spelt heterophobic wrong

shark: that's not even a WORD

slorp: wait what's the deal with jae and brian

brain: we're married

aussie boi: bOI you just spent four minutes trying to convince us you were straight

brain: this is discriminatipn

chicken lil: brian and i are best friends and roommates

bob: *boyfriends

little drummer boy: *boyfriends

unopeel: *fuck buddies

unopeel: oh

unopeel: we went very different places there

little drummer boy: so what's the deal with changbin and felix

aussie boi: huh?

slorp: whAt

aussie boi: there's no 'deal'

little drummer boy: that's a shame

slorp: wdym

chan: fELIX

aussie boi: yes

chan: where the FUCK are my pyjamas

aussie boi: you no longer want to know

chan: bitch i will fuck you UP don't try me

aussie boi: is that really the best you've got

chan: no but i decided to be kind for once, which ends about now

aussie boi: mmm doubtful

jisungie: GUYS SHUT UP

jisungie: MINHO TEXTED FIRST


	3. yeetalicious

16:30  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung

Minho (cute guy): hi

Jisung: omg hi

Jisung: i didn't think you'd text so soon hhahahah

 

16:31  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: hE SAID THIS AND I REPLIED WITH THIS

jisungie: *image*

chicken lil: wHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY THAT

brain: bro wyd

jisungie: I PANICKED

aussie boi: JISUNG YOU STUPID HOMOSEXUAL 

jisungie: Correct

 

16:32  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Minho (cute guy): complaining?

Jisung: omg no

Jisung: i just wasn't expecting it so soon 

Jisung: i was actually wondering whether i should text you lol

 

16:34  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: *image*

little drummer boy: WHY do you keep sabotaging yourself

jisungie: HEKP ME

bob: he seems to like you

chicken lil: who could dislike him it's jisung

aigee: it's actually very easy to hate jisung with every part of your soul

jisungie: fuck off you baby faced twat

aigee: mum i'm being cyberbullied

jisungie: WHAT DO I DO

 

16:36  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Minho (cute guy): ah good 

Minho (cute guy): i actually had a really nice time earlier

Minho (cute guy): sorry for hitting you so much lol

Minho (cute guy): hope that didn't put you off me

 

16:37  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: *image*

jisungie: hrlp

jisungie: i cnat fuvkdifn brsthw

chan: uh oh jisung is malfunctioning

chicken lil: FUCKING RESPOND YOU USELESS GAY

 

16:38  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Jisung: not at all hahahha

Minho (cute guy): i'm glad

 

16:39  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: *image*

jisungie: skfjuhdbgvjsudfuykdkdjtycbdks

unopeel: jisung.exe has stopped working

jisungie: domt lsugh at my strugkkes hyubg

aussie boi: TEXT HIM THE FUCK BACK

jisungie: WHAT DO I SAY

aussie boi: TELL HIM YOU WANT HIS DICK

jisungie: I AM NOT FUCKING SAYING THAT

chan: i could write a fucking manual on why you shouldn't take life advice from felix

chicken lil: NOT RELEVANT CHAN 

bob: tell him you had a nice time too then say you hope to see him again soon

jisungie: yeah but i could wallow in fear instead

little drummer boy: do it A S A P bitch

 

16:40  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Jisung: i had a really nice time too

Jisung: i hope we can see each other again :)

 

16:40  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: *image*

jisungie: WHAT HAVE I DONE

shark: he really is malfunctioning

slorp: somebody turn him off and on again

angel: urgh he's too far away

shark: he's literally right in front of us

angel: too far away

 

16:41  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Minho (cute guy): me too :)

 

16:41  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: *image*

jisungie: iaam hypervrentilation

unopeel: SEND A HEART

grass: YES SEND A HEART

aigee: DO IT DO IT

 

16:41  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Jisung: <3

 

16:42  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: *image*

jisungie: i am digging myself a grave as we speak

angel: no you're crying on my bedroom floor

shark: pull yourself together kang jisung

jisungie: you can't make me

chan: fingers crossed lads!

 

16:42  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Minho (cute guy): haha

Minho (cute guy): <3

 

16:42  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: *image*

jisungie: i am: deceased

brain: oMFG ITS FINALLY HAPPENING MY BABY BOY JISUNG IS GETTING LAID FOR THE FIRST TIME

jisungie: BITCH IVE BEEN LAID BEFORE TF DO YOU MEAN

brain: information i did not ask to know: that

bob: is 'ask to know' even gramatically correct

slorp: i think so??

chicken lil: IM PROUD OF YOU JISUNG YOURE GETTING A MAN

unopeel: if only you could do the same jae

chicken lil: shut the Fuck up wonpil

little drummer boy: he already has a man but the man is a dumbass who thinks he's straight

brain: shut the Fuck up dowoon

jisungie: GUYS ALL OF YOU SHUT UP OMG

 

16:45  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Minho (cute guy): i'd like to see you again

 

16:46  
pink sweater hatersTM jisungie: *image*

jisungie: HOW DO I RESPONF

aigee: SAY YOU'LL ADD HIM HERE

 

16:46  
Plotting  
woojin: JEONGIN WHAT WERE YOU THINKING

jeongin: I HAVE A PLAN HYUNG DONT WORRY

sungjin: HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY END WELL

jeongin: i have to ask you all to pLEASE trust me this once

dowoon: ...okay

wonpil: but i'm wary

chan: it's jeongin you should be

 

16:48  
pink sweater hatersTM   
jisungie: jeongin i'm not adding him i'm not suicidal 

aigee: nooo i want to get to know him

unopeel: i'm actually in favour of this

little drummer boy: me too

chan: yeah i agree with jeongin

grass: you three aren't exactly known for your rational decision making though

bob: i think it's a good idea

shark: me too

angel: those two are 

angel: jisung you should do it

jisungie: idk...

brain: i actually do really want to get to know him if y'all are gonna be fucking

chicken lil: i just imagined brian saying y'all in his deep voice and omfg wow

bob: you're hard aren't you

chicken lil: amybe

brain: you're absolutely gross and i love you

chicken lil: thsnk yoi

chan: (cough married cough)

jisungie: i will not let that be the first thing minho sees in this chat

jisungie: if i even add him

grass: tbh if he's gonna be dating you he's gonna meet us anyways

angel: might as well meet us in a fun way

jisungie: so everyone thinks i should add him

bob: yes

jisungie: well fuck it

16:53  
Private Message: Minho (cute guy) and Jisung  
Minho (cute guy): will we see each other again?

Jisung: haha probably

Jisung: want to join a group chat?


	4. 'i think jisung is hyperventilating'

17:13  
pink sweater hatersTM  
chicken lil: ...so

jisungie: ...he said yes

shark: perfect! now make jae add him

jisungie: i've dmed jae his number

chan: ooh i'm excited

jisungie: i hate that you made me do this

aussie boi: don't worry jisung you'll get his dick eventually

jisungie: EFLIX

chicken lil has added minhoe

minhoe: interesting name choice

minhoe: hi jisung

jisungie: MINHO I AM GOIMG TO FYCJING THROTTLE FELIX

aigee: please do

brain: hi minho! we've heard a lot about you from our jisungie

unopeel: i'm not used to brian being this nice why can't you be nice to me

brain: because you're a little fucking bitch wonpil

little drummer boy: the queer to straight ratio is now 10:4 gays be winning 

minhoe: okay?

angel: hi minho it's hyunjin from dance 

minhoe: hey hyunjin! 

slorp: i spent AGES typing this so y'all better shut up  
brain - brian, jisung's older brother  
chicken lil - jae, memelord, essentially dating brian  
bob - sungjin, old  
unopeel - wonpil, gay  
little drummer boy - dowoon, wonpil's boyfriend  
chan - chan  
shark - woojin, mother-like figure  
slorp - changbin, myself  
angel - hyunjin, you know  
jisungie - you know  
aussie boi - felix, jisung's best friend  
grass - seungmin, wonpil's little brother  
aigee - jeongin, baby, absolute little SHIT

aigee: asshole

slorp: dickhead

chan: why is my description just 'chan'

aigee: because that's all you are to us

minhoe: thanks changbin

minhoe: jisung will not stop apologising in dms

brain: RUDE

chicken lil: EXCUSE ME JISUNG I AM A JOY TO BE AROUNF

little drummer boy: mmm debatable

chicken lil: shut the fuck up dowoon

brain: hello minho, i have noticed you may in fact be interested in courting my brother

jisungie: BRIAN IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP

minhoe: i met him literally an hour ago

aussie boi: and...?

minhoe: and...

chicken lil: please finish that faster i think jisung is hyperventilating

minhoe: and yeah maybe brain is right

grass: CALLED IT 

aussie boi: JISUNG YOUR MAN CAME THROUGH

aussie boi: YOU'RE GONNA GET THE D

brain: felix if you would kindly shut your fucking mouth

chicken lil: i think jisung has stopped functioning

slorp: this is the oddest situation

brain: jisung has had to lie down

minhoe: god is he okay

chicken lil: he'll be fineeee

shark: the feelings thing is mutual though

minhoe: wait really

chan: yeah you're cute guy in his contacts

minhoe: FUCK YEAH

aussie boi: i was right he really is gonna get the d

grass: felix shut up

aussie boi: noted

 

16:29  
Plotting  
woojin: this is perfect

wonpil: the first couple of our friendship group

dowoon: well they're not really dating

sungjin: yeah they've known each other for one day and have shown mild romantic interest in one another that's not a couple

wonpil: it's how dowoonie and i started dating

sungjin: you sucked his dick after graduation

wonpil: yeah same thing

jeongin: ew dicks

dowoon: we get it you're a Straight

jeongin: actually i don't think that's true

jeongin: idk

jeongin: i do know i don't like women but dicks are ew...

chan: tell me more son

jeongin: first off the son is weird

jeongin: and uhhh there's one guy i'm a little interested in? but he likes someone else

jeongin: and he's older

wonpil: oOH DO WE KNOW HIM

jeongin: nno

woojin: suspicious

jeongin: that's not why we made this chat let's talk about jae and brian or something

sungjin: okay so i have a plan for those two

dowoon: do tell

sungjin: okay so

 

16:38  
pink sweater hatersTM  
angel: where'd jeongin/woojin/chan/dowoon/wonpil/sungjin go???

bob: sorry here

unopeel: im here im queer

little drummer boy: yeah we're here dw

shark: sup 

chan: what'd we miss

aigee: yeet

minhoe: you didn't miss much tbh but jisung is kinda functioning now

jisungie: incorrect

chicken lil: and to answer seungmin's question i am not prostituting myself but i have a profile on several sugar daddy websites

unopeel: HOW has nobody picked you up you're a textbook twink

brain: i honestly have no idea

aussie boi: 'i'm straight' -brian kang

chicken lil: felix shut yuor mOUTH

aussie boi: can't make me won't make me

chan: do i have to confiscate felix again

jisungie: please do we don't want him

minhoe: OOF

grass: tea

aussie boi: SHUT UP I FCUGKING HATE YOU ALL

shark: thanks

angel: the list of people i actually like has shortened to three names and it's binnie, jeongin and seungmin the rest of y'all can ROT

aigee: :)

slorp: YES BITCHES YOU SEE THAT

angel: i take that back the list of people i actually like has shortened to two names

slorp: BITCH

grass: get rekt bitch

slorp: SHUT YOUR WHOREASS MOUTH KIM SEUNGMIN

little drummer boy: I WISH I COULD SEE YOUR FACES RN IM PISSING MYSELF

bob: i leave for five minutes and you're all trying to kill each other

unopeel: naturally

chicken lil: i'm moving to mars to get away from y'all and i'm taking brian and jisung with me

jisungie: i'm bringing minho

minhoe: thanks boo

jisungie: np hun

chicken lil: get your fuckfest off my damn rocket ship

bob: are those two even dating??

minhoe: no but we might soon

jisungie: considering we literally met today we're getting to know each other but we are both interested

chan: i'm so proud

little drummer boy: i want to come on the rocket ship

chicken lil: NO 

little drummer boy: :( why not

chicken lil: bc you'll want to bring wonpil and this trip is NOT a fuckfest

unopeel: but if it's just you and brian won't it be that anyway

brain: i'm not speaking to wonpil

bob: yeah no the rest of us haven't been speaking to wonpil in years

shark: YOU LITERALLY LIVE WITH HIM

aussie boi: hey chan know how you're my emergency contact

chan: ...yes

aussie boi: well uhhhh you may get a call pretty soon

slorp: FELIX ARE YIU FYCKING OKAY

jisungie: FELIX WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

aussie boi: I;M F OKAY CALM YOURSLEVES

aussie boi: it's just... there was an incident with a fidget spinner

chan: please don't tell me it's stuck on your dick

aussie boi: i will not confirm or deny any suspicions

shark: really changbin? this one?

slorp: shut it or you won't stop hearing the baby shark song until you die

shark: oof can't argue with that flawless threat chief

minhoe: HEY FELIX I THINK CHANGBIN WANTS YOU TO DATE HIM

grass: CAN WE NOT DO THIS WHEN THERE'S A FIDGET SPINNER ON FELIX'S DICK

aussie boi: I WILL NOT CONFIRM OR DENY ANY SUSPICIONS

slorp: omw to throw my phone off a bridge love you guys mwah

chicken lil: .... i'm really starting to think this chat was not a good idea


	5. jaehyungparkian???

11:02  
pink sweater hatersTM  
chicken lil: sup whores

unopeel: present

brain: heard my name

little drummer boy: fuck off jae

chicken lil: rude

chicken lil: also your contact is SO long

little drummer boy: it's literally three words?? discrimination

chicken lil has changed little drummer boy's username to baby drum

baby drum: ok???

bob: y tho

brain: sungjin ur alive

bob: why wouldn't i be??

brain: you live with wonpil

unopeel: suck my massive cock brian

brain: gladly 

baby drum: it's really not massive

unopeel: SHUT THE FUCK UP DOWOON

bob: ARE WE SERIOUSLY IGNORING BRIAN'S RESPONSE

chicken lil: yes

baby drum: yes

unopeel: yes

brain: yes

bob: well i'm keeping THAT screenshot

chicken lil: where are the kids?

brain: idk they're usually all up in here

baby drum: it's 11am you dumb fucks they have school

chicken lil: shit

aussie boi: i'm skiving

bob: WTF GO TO CLASS

aussie boi: can't make me 

aussie boi: fuck the rules

unopeel: adulting sucks i want to staple myself to a train

baby drum: oof big retweet

brain: boyfriending101

unopeel: like you'd know anything about that

chicken lil: excuse me? brian has been a reliable and caring boyfriend for years

brain: literally every part of that sentence isn't true

aussie boi: i'm so confused are they dating or not

chicken lil: no

brain: no

chicken lil: i just refer to him as my boyfriend occasionally because he essentially is except without feelings

brain: love you bro

chicken lil: no homo

brain: no homo

baby drum: not to be dramatic but i've literally never hated anyone as much as i hate you two in this moment

unopeel: you said that when i ate your noodles

aussie boi: 'you two'

unopeel: he also cursed the noodles

baby drum: i was devastated okay

bob: now i'm hungry

brain: i'm always hungry if only jae would go grocery shopping once in a while

chicken lil: yOU COULD LITERALLY GO SHOPPING YOURSELF

brain: you know Why 

chicken lil: i Do

aussie boi: why??

bob: brian's bitchy ex girlfriend is manager at the local supermarket and she scares him so he can't go there

aussie boi: there are so many other places he could go shopping at tho??????

baby drum: yeah but none of them stock his special ramen

brain: not to be dramatic but i need those to live

aussie boi: never thought i'd meet someone who was more of a trainwreck than jisung

brain: where do you think he got it from

unopeel: impeccable genetics

baby drum: yo i lowkey want a helix piercing

chicken lil: where even is the helix

chicken lil: no don't tell me i bet it's somewhere weird

chicken lil: like his foot

chicken lil: or his balls

baby drum: WHAT EW NO

brain: babes it's just the top part of the ear

brain: I LITERALLY HAVE ONE

chicken lil: oh is that the one i play with

bob: oh i thought you were just randomly stroking his ear

brain: he does that sometimes too

chicken lil: not my fault you have hot ears

aussie boi: even i couldn't have come up with that one

chicken lil: thanks

chicken lil: NOW GO TO F CLASS

aussie boi: no

baby drum: guys i reallyyyy want that piercing :(

bob: then get it done

baby drum: but it takes time and preparation n shit and i just want someone to stab my ear already :((

unopeel: i feel you

aussie boi: i tried to get my nipples pierced last year but my mum almost killed me

bob: well thank you for that information felix

aussie boi: welc fam

aussie boi: so why are you scared of your ex brian??

brain: BC SHE'S SO INTIMIDATING 

brain: SHE'S MARRIED TO THE GUY SHE CHEATED ON ME WITH BUT EVERY TIME I SEE HER SHE TRIES TO SINK HER CLAWS INTO ME

aussie boi: tell her to suck it

brain: SHE'D TAKE THAT AS FLIRTING

aussie boi: well just tell her to fuck off

brain: no because she scares me too much

aussie boi: ASSERT DOMINANCE BRIAN

chicken lil: are you kidding me that woman is the most dominant person i've ever met

brain: WHAT JAE SAID

unopeel: she is honest to god terrifying

aussie boi: then scare her off

brain: how do you strike fear into the heart of satan herself

aussie boi: with two tubes of wrapping paper and three moderately sized lamps

baby drum: felix ru okay???

aussie boi: please don't ask

aussie boi: i have an idea though

brain: if it comes from you i don't want to hear it

aussie boi: first off i'm offended

baby drum: good

aussie boi: second off hear me out

brain: ...okay i'm listening

aussie boi: i'm guessing she keeps going after you because she still thinks you're single?

chicken lil: it's true he hasn't dated since

brain: WOW THANKS FOR THAT JAE

aussie boi: and you're not a dominant presence?

chicken lil: well he is just not around her

brain: AGAIN THANKS FOR THAT JAE

aussie boi: so start dating, or pretend to date, somebody who is a dominant persona and take them with you to the supermarket to scare her off

brain: that... isn't a bad suggestion

brian: sungjin...?

bob: don't even think about asking me

bob: i hold myself to a far higher standard than pretending to date a lowlife like brian just because he can't find the courage to face his ex alone

baby drum: you're scared of her too?

bob: terrified

baby drum: well i think we all know the obvious choice to nominate

unopeel: we do

brain: we don't

chicken lil: fine i'll do it if it means she leaves brian alone

brain: really man?

chicken lil: really, bro

brain: *tearing up* i love you, bro...

chicken lil: *choking back tears* ha gay

bob: jae, brian, i love both of your mothers to death but how two such lovely refined ladies managed to raise two absolute fuckups like you will always elude me

aussie boi: science

aussie boi: speaking of that's actually what i'm skipping

baby drum: GO TO CLASS


	6. 'kim woojin, i will yeet your toes'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i'm unsure what ship to place hyunjin in because every single hyunjin ship has been bias wrecking me recently  
> so i'm gonna make a poll and you guys just vote for which ship you like the best, should be easy, so [click here](https://www.poll-maker.com/poll2113915xB9f1E73E-59)  
> please vote

16:02PM  
pink sweater hatersTM  
aigee: just got out of school!

grass: you are so fucking cute

aigee: ew leave me alone

unopeel: jeongin is homophobic proof 2k18

shark: mmm not necessarily

aigee: woojin shut your mouth 

bob: so is jeongin just holding you all at gunpoint or

jisungie: honestly

chicken lil: yup

chan: anyone free tonight? i wanna have a sleepover and cry

jisungie: oh i am so down

aussie boi: count me in

grass: yeah me too

slorp: sure i'm free 

angel: sorry guys i can't

chan: boo you're a terrible friend

angel: i'm having dinner with my mum

unopeel: virgin vibes

aussie boi: yeah no he's not a virgin

angel: thank you felix

baby drum: you know this for certain how??

aussie boi: isn't it obvious

baby drum: oH

baby drum: i regret asking now

angel: now we've all discovered it's not best to snoop into private business, anything else to discuss than my sex life?

jisungie: not really

jisungie: where's minho?

chicken lil: or brian

bob: y'all missing your boyfriends

chicken lil: yes

jisungie: i wouldn't use the term 'boyfriend'

unopeel: i would

jisungie: we're getting to know each other

jisungie: as much as i would love to spontaneously propose it's not there yet

minhoe: i, for one, would not mind a spontaneous proposal or two

jisungie: hi <3

minhoe: heyy <3

aussie boi: AWW YOU TWO ARE SO GROSS I LOVE IT

chan: hey minho can you come to my crying sleepover tonight

minhoe: as fun as that sounds, can't i have to finish my homework :(

jisungie: we'll miss you :(

 

18:34PM  
brain: hi fam

chicken lil: BRISN I LUB YOU

brain: ok

chan: hi brian, if you're wondering where your brother is i kidnapped him

brain: keep him

jisungie: storytime: my homophobic brother

grass: the sleepover is fully underway, we have snacks, titanic, and tissues

grass: and an abnormally large recorder?

slorp: sorry that's mine

chicken lil: sounds tasty am i invited

chan: no

chicken lil: jaephobia??

unopeel: aren't we all jaephobic

bob: i'm wonpilphobic

grass: same

minhoe: sungjin you literally LIVE with him

bob: a decision i regret every day

grass: i know the struggle i lived with him for thirteen painful years

unopeel: you cried when i moved out

grass: shut the Fuck up

slorp: gUYS JISUNG TOOK AWAY MY RECORDER

jisungie: HE WOULDN'T STOP PLAYING THE TITANIC THEME ON IT BADLY OVER THE SCENE WHERE JACK DIES

brain: jisung give the nice man his recorder back

jisungie: fine i'll give chan his recorder back

slorp: that's a low blow

jisungie: sorry i don't speak Rat

slorp: shut the fuck up you unnecessary tractor wheel

aigee: t-that's the most ominous threat i've ever seen?

slorp: Good.

shark: THE CAPS SCARES ME EVEN MOR E

bob: CHANGBIN YOU GOOD??

slorp: i have never once been Good in my Life

chan: yeah we can tell

slorp: i hate this unloving family

grass: bold of you to assume we care what you think

unopeel: hello 911 i'd like to report a murder

baby drum: what are our roles in this family

shark: easy

shark: sungjin is the single dad, wonpil and dowoon are the gay uncles, and the rest of us are the KidsTM

bob: th-thanks?

chicken lil: IM LITERALLY THE OLDEST WHY AM I A KID :(

aigee: bc of your bitchass personality

aussie boi: i can't believe you were just murdered by a 5 year old

aigee: shut the Fuck up felix i will yeet your toes

unopeel: what does that mean???

chan: we're all suitably terrified of jeingbn

jisungie: jeingbn

chan: kang jisung i will yeet this lamp at you don't put that past me

brian: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

jisungie: luckily, i am a mmoth who Crave the LOmp

bob: what the fucj????

aussie boi: mMM crOnchy lmop,,, slor,p

grass: you're all uninvited to my birthday party

grass: especially changbin

slorp: wbk seungmin is changbinphobic

chan: aren't we all

aigee: can you believe my family are Rats

brain: i can

aigee: especially you

brain: heterophobia

unopeel: incorrect

aigee: aam i homopgobic ore heterophobic makr uip yoir FUVKONG MIBDS

bob: how did you manage to spell every word in that sentence wrong except the one that doesn't actually exist

baby drum: Talent

grass: maybe she's born with it

minhoe: maybe it's maybelline

jisungie: guys,,,, i'm prengabt

baby drum: prengabt

minhoe: is it mine

jisungie: wouldn't you like to know

chicken lil: powerful???

jisungie: ofc it's yours who else's could it be

minhoe: fuck yeah i'm gonna be a daddy

aussie boi: you already are ;)

aussie boi: i mean who said that

jisungie: i mean... no one's tryna deny it

brain: omg my baby brother is finally prengabt

unopeel: are you prengabt brian

brain: ,,,Perhaps

brain: it's sungjin's

bob: inCorr3ect.

shark: here we witness live footage of sungjin having a stroek

minhoe: stroek

chicken lil has changed shark's username to stroek

stroek: bullying?????

bob: i have Not impregnated brian

unopeel: he's having a full on meltdown congrats BRIAN

brain: n-no homo 

chicken lil: d... did you ch-cheat on me??

brain: yes i'm sorry darling 

aigee: are you really though

chicken lil: shut up you baby faced cunt

aigee: wanker

aussie boi: can i be pregnant too

stroek: idk if you ask changbin nicely

slorp: kim woojin i will yeet your toes

unopeel: that insult only gets more confusing

baby drum: isn't it technically a threat

bob: i HABE NOT IMPRWGNANTED BRISN

chan: oh great you broke sungjin thanks a bunch younghyun

minhoe: eww seeing the name younghyun makes me so uncomfortable

slorp: is now a good time to remind y'all that jisung's english name is peter

minhoe: it is Never a good time for that

baby drum: are minho and jisung boning yet bc otherwise how is jisung prengabt

jisungie: it was an immaculate conception

grass: suspicious

chicken lil: have u 2 been doing the funky or not

minhoe: no funky has been done

jisungie: sadly

minhoe: we're still getting to know each other before we start dating

jisungie: hey i'm prengabt with your baby wanna get married

minhoe: sure

stroek: ... well that escalated quickly

jisungie: where are you

minhoe: at home

minhoe: i finished my homework ;)

chan: help jisung just ran out the room telling me to give him his stuff at school tomorrow

chicken lil: I THINK FUNKY WILL BE DONE

brain: finally he's getting laid jesus

unopeel: if only you could do the same

brain: shut up u slug

aussie boi: i would suck your dick but you're likke... rsally old

brain: thanks??

slorp: maybe let's not suck the dicks of our friends' older brothers

grass: mm yeah

chan: guys.... helP

stroek: what is it

chan: jisung left

baby drum: ...so?

chan: so this means changbin got his recorder back

aigee: oh fuck me not this shit again

chan: it is quite impressive how fast he's playing but i think seungmin is about to strangle him

stroek: isn't seungmin always about to strangle changbin at any given moment

aussie boi: leave my mans alone >:(

baby drum: wAIT HOLD UP CHANGBIN IS YOUR MANS NOW??? SKKSJDSNFVB WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??

aussie boi: he's my husband we're not dating

unopeel: sad

stroek: sad

chan: sad

aigee: ew changbin

grass: see this is why jeongin is the only one i love

 

19:11  
Plotting  
woojin: guys :( 

woojin: hyunjin has his phone and he's been reading the chat and he just sent a message saying 'ouch'

dowoon: big oof

wonpil: hyunmin is gonna be harder than we thought

 

19:12  
pink sweater hatersTM  
chan: update: seungmin is attempting to throttle changbin and felix is desperately trying to remove him

brain: and you are ??

chan: watching the movie and minding my own business

stroek: you're deadass willing to let changbin die 

aigee: lmao mood

chan: issa good movie

stroek: how good can it really be to choose it over changbin's life?????

chan: it's legally blonde

stroek: i take that back

chicken lil: you are watching a modern masterpiece

aussie boi: i just saved changbin's life you can thank me now

aigee: boo

aigee: you expect us to thank you for the rat

aussie boi: it's a cute rat :(

bob: I HBSAVE NOTR IMPREWSDBVBGAHIBFHAUEBFED BRINASIDF


	7. 'rise and shine fuckcakes'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update? me?? i wrote this without proofreading so yes it's short... but don't forget to vote on the poll! 
> 
> also the 15 chapters thing isn't set in stone, it's just to make sure i actually do reach a certain point instead of giving up halfway like with my bts chat fic. i will almost certainly write more, don't worry!

9:34AM  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: good morning

angel: rise and shine fuckcakes

aussie boi: have hyunjin and jisung swapped personalities

jisungie: of course not! i'm just loving this beautiful morning! how are we all?

chan: no

jisungie: wasn't talking to you slut

aussie boi: there's the jisung i know

baby drum: why are you so happy

baby drum: did u and minho do the devil's tango

jisungie: i don't know what you mean

baby drum: come on

baby drum: aggressive cuddling

baby drum: assault with a friendly weapon

baby drum: doing the hibbety-dibbety

baby drum: releasing the kraken

bob: dowoon i love you but what the fuck

jisungie: perhaps,,, a little kraken releasing,,, occurred

chan: oof get it son

angel: who topped

aussie boi: hey that's my question

bob: we don't want to know

aussie boi: i do

jisungie: i'm not sharing

chan: boo

angel: i bet it was jisung

jisungie: where even is everyone on this fine morning on which we shouldn't discuss my sex life

bob: brian and jae have never woken up before noon unless something is on fire, sometimes not even when something is on fire

aussie boi: they were awake at 11 the other day though?

bob: brian left the toaster on overnight

baby drum: wonpil is at work and i'm sad 

chan: press f to pay respeccs

jisungie: minho's asleep, i'm trying to figure out how his kitchen works so i can make pancakes

aussie boi: changbin is asleep on my lap rn and guys he looks so cute when he sleeps :((

aussie boi: i wish y'all could see this

chan: i can see this and it's gross stop the heart eyes there are children present

aussie boi: heart eyes???

aussie boi: and kids??? seungmin's asleep and jeongin isn't even HERE

angel: i'm positive jeongin's asleep

angel: woojin is too

stroek: not anymore 

chan: wakey wakey eggs and bakey

stroek: as a vegan that's offensive

angel: yes as part of mine and woojin's new vegan diet we shower entirely in wheat

aussie boi: a...are you telling me my meat showers aren't vegan

angel: felix you murderer you disgoist me

grass: disgoist

chan: when did seungmin wake up

grass: u were being loud

aussie boi: jisung got laid

grass: oh he's finally not a virgin

jisungie: WHY DO YOU GUYS THINK I WAS A VIRGIN

aussie boi: you have zero (0) game

jisungie: well not true bc i managed to land minho who is a fucking hottie

angel: oof true that

chan: we really need better usernames why am i just 'chan'

baby drum: idk take that up with jae he has admin rights not me

slorp: good mornig all

grass: 'mornig' illiterate fuck

slorp: your mother is a one legged goose

slorp: for now

angel: terrifying yet confusing energy??

baby drum: FELIX THINKS YOU'RE CUTE WHEN YOU SLEEP

slorp: me??

baby drum: yes you dumb bitch

slorp: thanks????

aussie boi: you are so cute it gets right on my damn uwus

grass: jeongin is the ultimate uwu i will fight all that disagree

aigee: i hope you're having a terrible morning you fat slugs

grass: what an angel


	8. the kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have this long ass boy as a november gift
> 
> and yes i decided to go with jeongin/seungmin/hyunjin in the end, thank you to all who voted, it was amazing seeing a hundred votes! while seungmin won in the end, i ended up going with the second most popular because i feel it fits best with the story. i'll 100% focus more on hyunjin/seungmin over the next few chapters though.

15:55PM  
pink sweater hatersTM  
chan: hey jae

chicken lil: no

chan: fucker

chicken lil: asshole

chan: dickhead

chicken lil: shortass

slorp: ooh that was LOW

grass: just like you

slorp: FUCKING FIGHT ME YOU PATHETIC ROACH

chan: can we pLEASE get some name changes up in here

chicken lil: only if brian lets me change his username back to boy toy

brain: absolutely not

brain: i'm about to be a mother i can't be jae's boy toy

bob: I HABVE NOTT IMOPEREGANTERD BRFIABN

unopeel: it's ok sweetie lie down

jisungie: omg i'm gonna be a mother too hashtag twinning

brain: we're not twins i'm like seven years older than you but ok

jisungie: when can we have baby showers

minhoe: oh no i'm gonna be a dad this means bills to pay

brain: sungjin i'm going to be expecting child support

bob: ASDJVBFKJDBKGVJNREFGNGTIUNJ

stroek: oh great! you broke bob

brain: y'all have made that joke like four times now

aussie boi: bc it's funny innit

slorp: mmmmmm

aussie boi: mmmmmm what

slorp: nothing ily dear pls don't kill me

aussie boi: that's a good husband

baby drum: i really don't like your energy

aussie boi: Good.

jisungie: FELIX???? U OKAY

aussie boi: never

angel: morning

bob: it is really not the morning hyunjin

angel: some of us only woke up

aigee: darling... no

stroek: hyunjin it's a school day

angel: ah shit my bad

chan: 'darling' -yang jeongin, 2018

slorp: jeongin being nice?? when will this happen to me

aigee: when you're not a fucking slug

aussie boi: leave my husband alone

stroek: this is the first time i've seen jeongin use any term of affection hyunjinnie do you feel blessed

chicken lil: nono he said 'it's called talent, sweetheart' when we asked him how he got himself stuck in that church drainpipe

aigee: not a good memory jae

chicken lil: i'm painfully aware 

chan: jeongin is dumb as fuck wbk

aussie boi: tea

 

15:59  
Plotting  
woojin: is our jeongin's crush hyunjin????

jeongin: nO SHUT UP

dowoon: oh my god it fucking is innit

jeongin: SHUT UP

chan: WOW OKAY AND HERE YOU WERE SHIPPING HYUNMIN

jeongin: i DO ship them

bob: why would you sabotage yourself like that?

jeongin: because i want hyunjin to be happy

wonpil: OUCH 

chan: my heart just split in two

woojin: you deserve to be happy too innie

jeongin: mmmmm doubtful

woojin: no not doubtful!!

chan: come get this LOVE >:(

wonpil: we know what must happen if we want the baby to be happy

dowoon: wonpil is right, i think the time has come

wonpil: woojin, do the honours

jeongin: NO WAIT GUYS

woojin: goodbye jeongin. we can't plot with you here anymore

jeongin: DONT DO IT

woojin has removed jeongin from the chat

 

15:59  
pink sweater hatersTM  
chicken lil: are minsung dating yet

jisungie: yes??

minhoe: it's been two whole weeks since the sleepover incident and we've gotten to know each other better now we've been dating for like four days

slorp: they've been making out all the time it's really annoying

jisungie: at least we're actually open about our feelings the slug can't relate

slorp: choke on a leaf blower

aussie boi: have jae and brian confronted The Ex yet

brain: hhahahabshahhahsha

chicken lil: he means yes

brain: NO I DON'T

chicken lil: we did go 

brain: PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM JAE WE WILL N E V E R LIVE IT DOWN

chicken lil: WE ALSO WON'T LIVE DOWN THE TIME WE BURNED DOWN OUR HOUSEBOAT

angel: YOU TWO HAD A HOUSEBOAT????

chan: IS THAT SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU'RE TAKING FROM THIS HYUNJIN

chicken lil: do you still wanna know

aussie boi: YES

brain: NO

chicken lil: so we went to the supermarket holding hands and shit and acting couple-y

unopeel: so like usual

chicken lil: and we actually get shopping done (!!) and we get brian's ramen, things are going good

brain: please stop talking

chicken lil: so when we see her, i stand my ground even though i'm terrified and she starts talking to us, clearly salty as fuck

grass: ohmygod i can tell what's gonna happen

brain: h o w ?

unopeel: seungmin's like psychic don't question it

chicken lil: and obvs i play the boyfriend and get defensive, pulling him closer and saying we're in a relationship, and she says she doesn't believe us

slorp: how?? y'all are such a couple

brain: JAE STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW

chicken lil: so i kisdagvupybfadsi

jisungie: brian just wrestled him to the ground

stroek: are you at their apartment?

jisungie: no i'm at minho's apartment

jisungie: i'm just knowledged in all things younghyun

bob: is knowledged even a word

jisungie: ??? probably not??

aigee: illiterate bitch

jisungie: excuse you i can read

chicken lil: after an extensive wrestle, i can confirm i won't be finishing my sentence!

aussie boi: sounds kinky

baby drum: i didn't know the word extensive was in your vocabulary

chicken lil: well it Is Bitch

stroek: yeah no jae just dmed me he kissed brian to get the girl to back off 

minhoe: oh, worm?

unopeel: oH MY FUCKWDSBNFK

chan: SHIT WHAT

aussie boi: O H MY

grass: I FUCJING KNEW IT OG MY FGOD

jisungie: IA M SCREAMIFGN

baby drum: I AM DFGYING 

bob: oh dear we killed the babies

brain: jaehyung park.

chicken lil: i've climbed out the window and onto the fire escape already sweetheart

brain: start. running.

chicken lil: one step ahead of you there

brain: i hate you so much

chicken lil: love you too mwah

 

16:21  
Plotting  
chan: holy FUCK

woojin: language

dowoon: that's the best thing to happen all day

wonpil: they're not together though :((

sungjin: i guess it's progress

chan: what do we do from here

woojin: okay so  
jaehyungparkian = progress  
changlix = married, not dating  
[hyunjin likes seungmin  
seungmin likes jeongin  
jeongin likes hyunjin]  
minsung = dating

wonpil: so what's our priority order

woojin: i think we really need to sort out the jeongin/seungmin/hyunjin thing because it's really depressing watching them unknowingly hurt each other

chan: then jaehyungparkian bc well all that just happened

bob: and changlix last??

chan: i've got a feeling they'll sort themselves out

woojin: hyunjin is getting really hurt by this :( and we all know how miserable it makes everyone to see jeongin sad

wonpil: you really said fuck seungmin lives

woojin: he stole my popcorn last week

dowoon: what a rat

sungjin: that's your future brother in law

wonpil: ngl he is such a rat i wish he'd get stuck up another electricity pylon sometimes

chan: A-ANOTHER

wonpil: long story

wonpil: so what are you planning for jeonghyunmin

woojin: ok we need them to be as comfortable with each other as possible before we pull in the receipts

woojin: i'll make a group chat with the three of them, and when we hangout as a group we need to push them to spend time together so that seungmin can fall for hyunjin, hyunjin can fall for jeongin and jeongin can fall for seungmin

dowoon: oof good luck with that last part

woojin: we've all gotta pray he gets over his hatred

woojin: i'll make the chat now

 

16:27  
woojin the swag master has created a new chat

woojin the swag master has added innie, hyunjinnie and seungminnie

woojin the swag master has named the chat jeonghyunmin

hyunjinnie: swag master

woojin the swag master: please don't

woojin the swag master: felix got ahold of my phone and changed the default name

seungminnie: loool get rekt

woojin the swag master: no i won't

woojin the swag master: swag out

woojin the swag master has left the chat

 

16:29  
aigee: so is jae like,,, dead

grass: hopefully

chicken lil: i lived bitch

brain: where ARE you

chicken lil: not falling for that one

bob: he's at my flat

chicken lil: i trusted u

unopeel: shouldn't have 

chicken lil: shut it snake

chicken lil: now i gotta ru n ag ain

unopeel: hope you trip on a landmine!

chicken lil: hope you get swallowed by a spanner

stroek: what does that even MEAN 

 

16:49  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: du-du-du-du-du-dora

aussie boi: du-du-du-du-du-dora

jisungie: dora dora dora the explorer

grass: you are god's mistake

jisungie: there is no god. only dora

bob: terrifying energy??

minhoe: that's nice sweetie but jeongin is standing outside and he looks murderous

aigee: sorry it's just my face when i don't smile

chan: i want: ramen

slorp: i want: death

baby drum: sounds tasty

minhoe: jeongin why are you outside my house

aigee: i wish to be a Houseplant

chan: jeongin u good???

unopeel: i'm sorry did we all forget JAE AND BRIAN KISSED

jisungie: pretty much yeah

brain: where actually is jae

chicken lil: sike not falling for it

minhoe: he's at my house

chicken lil: i am exclusively friends with snakes

brain: i don't actually know where minho lives

chicken lil: neither did i so i tracked jisung on snapchat

brain: you bitch you know i don't have snapchat

chicken lil: get fucked kang

brain: gladly if you'd come home ;)

minhoe: oh, worm?

chicken lil: TACTICS LIKE THAT WON'T WORK ON ME

chicken lil: ...unless you're serious

unopeel: wHAT IS GOING ON

brain: i'm very serious ;)

baby drum: AAAA GUYS ITS HAPPENING

chicken lil: NO I SEE THROUGH YOU, KANG, THIS IS YOUR CHEAP FLIRTATION TECHNIQUE AND IT WILL N E V E R WORK ON ME

jisungie: jae you've literally fallen for it every time he's tried it on you

chicken lil: sorry i wasn't aware a squirrel was a breed of snake

unopeel: well what i'd suggest is you go home jae

chicken lil: i'm not listening to you, king snake

unopeel: rudeass bitch

jisungie: hate to interrupt but i'm going into labour lads

chan: mpreg fanfics are quaking

minhoe: ITS CROWNING

stroek: minho that's like really late on

jisungie: it's a s p e e d y baby

jisungie: but woojin is right u know nothing about childbirth darling

chicken lil: oh my god my future brother in law is ggiving birth am i uncle??

brain: JAE WE'RE NOT DATING

chicken lil: YUO'RE THE ONEE WHO OFFERERDX WE FUCK EARLIER YDOU DONT GET TO SAY ANYTHUJNBG

bob: just relax, jisung and let the contractions pass

jisungie: i'm trying but it's a very fast baby

angel: n y o o m

aigee: i took two years in midwife training i can stop being a plant and help

slorp: what???? when???

stroek: how did you take two years of midwife training????? you're like... 5

jisungie: also thanks but i'm not actually giving birth??

minhoe: what

jisungie: shh no yes i'm giving birth you can name it

minhoe: I CAN???

baby drum: this sounds like it'll end badly

jisungie: ...ok he just said his name suggestion and i'm dating an actual 10 year old

chicken lil: i'm wheezing omfg

jisungie: ITS HAPPENING

stroek: is it out?

jisungie: Y ES ITS OUT IM A MOTHER

minhoe: IM A DAD

minhoe: LETS WELCOME BABY SPIDGET FINNER INTO THE WORLD

bob: it's been alive for less than a minute and you two are already the worst parents ever

chicken lil: they've wrapped a bag of pasta in a kitchen towel and are babying it??

aigee: nvm i'm gonna go be a plant outside someone else's house y'all are weird

bob: are you even a houseplant if you're not inside the house

angel: he can be whatever he wants to be don't crush his dreams

aigee: :)

unopeel: brian when are you giving birth

brain: next week, i don't have a speedy baby like jisung

jisungie: mmmm f a s t boi

aussie boi: can i be the godmother

jisungie: ABSOLUTELY

slorp: does this make me the godfather

grass: no you have to be human to be a godfather

aussie boi: leave my man alone !! >:(

angel: the fact that felix is the only one to ever defend him says a lot

chan: ooh get R E K T

stroek: wait guys the StraightsTM to Gays ratio is now 3:11

angel: huh which one of y'all turned queer??

chan: jeongin

angel: WAIT SRSLY

unopeel: YEP

angel: SKDKDSKSJ i would NEVER have thought

baby drum: why?

angel: well he's always so intensely no homo every time i'm clingy with him i assumed it was immovable heterosexuality

aigee: i fucknig HATE you guys

chicken lil: family of snakes

brain: great genetics


	9. 'i'm not sure whether that's funny or deeply depressing'

17:02PM  
pink sweater hatersTM  
aigee: i'm at sungjin and wonpil's house let me in i have to aggressively Be A Plant

baby drum: they ain't home it's just me

bob: how are you in our house???

aigee: open up drum boy

baby drum: can't i don't have a key but if you climb onto the ledge outside and squeeze through the opening in the window you can get in but you do risk falling thirty metres or so

unopeel: ahh that's how you've been getting in our house

angel: jeongin don't risk your life it's too EARLY for this

chan: it is five in the afternoon hyunjin

angel: did i Fucking Stutter

grass: jeongin baby don't DO IT

aigee: i have nothing to live for let's get this bread

baby drum: whoop whoop i'll help you get in

stroek: you have nothing to live for??

grass: yeah what about ME

aigee: i reconsidrer saying that now i'm actually on the legdwe

chan: JEONIGN

aigee: its very snmall and i cant bvalance wel

angel: JEONGIN GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW

aigee: I HAVE THIENGS TO LIVE FOR NOW

aussie boi: YANG JEONGIN GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE

grass: jEONEGING IF YOU DARE DIE I WIKL NEVERE FORGIVE MYSWLF

aigee: I HAVE SO MANY EXAMS TO PASS 

aigee: SO MANY UNBORN BABIES TO DELIVER

brain: imagine if those were his last words

aigee: I WANT TO SEE HYUNJIN AGAIN BEFORE I DIE

angel: that's nice now get doWN SO I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN

baby drum: IM GONNA GRAB HIM GUYS CALM DOWN

slorp: is this how he got up that church drainpipe

chicken lil: no changbin that was talent

grass: jeongin pls be safe i love you

aigee: I ONLY WANTED TO BE A PLANT I DIDN'T WANT THINGS TO GO THIS WAY

aigee: dowoon's trying to reach me 

stroek: yoon dowoon if my baby dies because of you i will personally end you

angel: seungmin and i second that

aussie boi: i third that

chan: let's not put pressure on anyone right now okay guys? we all want jeongin to be safe 

grass: yeah but i'm so STRESSED i can't think

chicken lil: everything better fucking be fine 

bob: neither of them have said anything in a while i'm getting worried

angel: jeongin you can't die now 

angel: i love you

 

17:07PM  
wonpil: y'all think he means that?

woojin: this really isn't the time wonpil

 

17:08PM  
pink sweater hatersTM  
aigee: i'm okay dowoon got me inside

angel: thank FUCK ily so much i don't know what i'd do if you were dead

aigee: i'm 

aigee: yeah okay i love you too

chan: soft???

baby drum: i cant BELIEVE y'all didn't trust me to save jeongin

unopeel: dear you are the one who put a frog in a toaster because you weren't paying attention

chicken lil: rip mr lilypad

baby drum: TO BE FAIR IT DIDN'T ACTUALLY DIE

brain: well that's another unexplained dead frog

chan: i'm not sure whether that's funny or just deeply depressing

chan: can you please change our names i'm not just chan

aigee: no you're only chan to us

chan: i feed you, clothe you, care for you in your times of need, and you betray me like this, my son?? my heir, the one i protected, nurtured, loved??? and now, when i need you the most, you turn your back on me? me??? ? you rat, you complete rat, you see me on your doorstep with bread in my ears and feet on my clothes???? and you turn me away? shame on you. i will come for you like a hurricane in the depth of the night while yiou sleep. i will take your popcorn and feed it to the lawnmower. ii will yeet yoru fvcuing toes while you sleep you piece of mouldy bacon do not underestimate me-

aigee: lmao what the fuck??

stroek: darling are you okay

bob: chan????? do you need help???

angel: lol idk what's happening but if you dare do any of those things to my baby

 

17:11PM  
Private Message: jeongin and woojin the swag master  
jeongin: it hurts more that it's not real

woojin the swag master: what do you mean

jeongin: hyunjin

jeongin: he's saying he loves me and calling me his baby and all but

jeongin: it's not real

woojin the swag master: maybe it is

jeongin: no, because he likes seungmin

jeongin: not me

woojin the swag master: maybe he can like both

jeongin: how?

woojin the swag master: people can date more than one person at the same time, its called a polyamourous relationship

jeongin: yes woojin im not fucking stupid 

woojin the swag master: have you considered one of those

jeongin: i mean i've never thought of seungmin that way

woojin the swag master: you don't necessarily have to

*read 17:15PM*

 

17:16PM  
pink sweater hatersTM  
brain: ok which one of you little shits gave chan a kazoo

grass: erm

grass: look i can explain myslef

slorp: oof exposed

grass: shut your whore mouth sok changbun

aussie boi: sok changbun

jisungie: sok changbun

brain: sok changbun

chan: sok changbun

baby drum: sok changbun

stroek: sok changbun

minhoe: sok changbun

chicken lil: sok changbun

unopeel: sok changbun

grass: betrayed by my own brother

jisungie: with a personality like yours you should expect betrayal on the daily

angel: >:( stop bullyingg suengmin !!

chan: suengmin

angel: i'm sticking with it

grass: see hyunjin loves me the rest of y'all are loveless roaches

grass: especially changbin

aussie boi: he BREATHED

grass: bad decision

aigee: miss changbin? miss changbin?? oh my fuckin god she fuckin dead

bob: seungmin murder is illegal

grass: fuck the police

grass: i'm a bad bitch you can't kill me

stroek: is this felix's doing

aussie boi: hopefully

chicken lil: let vine die already

aussie boi: or not you joyless thot???

chan: felix we don't still watch vines

angel: weird flex but okay

unopeel: is brian giving birth yet

brain: ,,,no

brain: it takes a while to bake a baby have patience wonpil

unopeel: can i be the godmother when it Emerges

chan: i'm disturbed????

brain: you absolutely can Not

unopeel: snake

chicken lil: says you?? king snake kim wonpil??

jisungie: nono guys imagine brian as a pregnant snake

grass: no??? i won't???

minhoe: sweetheart this is why we shouldn't be parents

jisungie: our pasta baby is doing fine

aigee: why can i envision brian as a pregnant snake??

aussie boi: SO CAN I

aussie boi: THE BABY WOULD STICK OUT LIKE WHEN SNAKES EAT BIG PREY

bob: WHY DID YOU SUGGEST THAT 

brain: yes hello i'm brian kang i'm a six metre anaconda and i'm pregnant the gender is capybara

angel: who votes we oust brian, felix and jisung from the chat, if in favour say aye

minhoe: aye aye captain

jisungie: it be your own boyfriend sometimes

bob: big fat aye

brain: sungjin the biphobe???? 

chan: askfdjwjszd

baby drum: IS THIS OUR FIRST EXPERIENCE OF BRIAN ADMITTING HE'S QUEER

unopeel: well done sweetheart i'm so proud of you

brain: yeah i like boys suck it

grass: okay? join the club

stroek: have you guys had a Het Excluded club the whole time

minhoe: oh?

angel: yes we have

chan: r00d 

stroek: the behaviour exhibited today was discriminatory

slorp: sorry bout it gays just be superior sometimes

unopeel: tea?

chan: if woojin and i get married can we join

aussie boi: honorary members

bob: i feel victimised

chicken lil: ha straightttttt

brain: wha t jsut happened

aigee: i slowly get more and more illiterate just from being around you guys

jisungie: who's reading idk her

slorp: reading as a concept just sounds fake

angel: recognising symbols to form words?? idk sounds fake to me

chan: lee felix i fukcing hate yolu im disowning you as bothf my cousin and my son

aussie boi: haha chan has titties

stroek: we don't want to know!

chicken lil: please don't explain

baby drum: hey jeongin and i have been talking and just so woojin knows, he agreed to do it

brain: do what??

aussie boi: drugs

stroek: you couldn't have dmed me???

baby drum: jope

chicken lil: jope -yoon dowoon, 2018

baby drum: it's jean and dope get on my level jae

grass: yeah jae get in with the cool kids

chicken lil: i am being BULLIED

bob: good

 

17:29  
jeonghyunmin  
jeongin: hey guys i uhh have something to say

hyunjin: okay

seungmin: are you okay jeongin?

jeongin: yeah i'm fine

jeongin: it's just 

jeongin: fuck

seungmin: who taught you that kind of language

hyunjin: ur mum

seungmin: ...eloquent

jeongin: look hyunjin i really like you? and i have for a while, but i don't expect you to reciprocate and that's okay, but dowoon encouraged me to tell you because i'll never know for certain unless i try, and he's right, so, i like you. a lot. feelings are dumb.

hyunjin: jeongin i

hyunjin: feelings are so dumb 

jeongin: let me finish

jeongin: i'm saying this here instead of in dm because seungmin, hyunjin likes you. and the others all say you like me. so if you're willing to give a poly relationship a shot, i'm on board. even though i don't like seungmin now, i think i could given time. so yeah, there it is, i'm going to go crawl into a hole now

hyunjin: o h

seungmin: hyunjin you like me?

hyunjin: i

hyunjin: yes??

hyunjin: quite a lot for a very long time?

seungmin: oh

seungmin: how did i miss that

seungmin: yes i do actually like both of you, a lot

hyunjin: oh my god

hyunjin: you liked me back and you didn't tell me

hyunjin: asshole

seungmin: i didn't know you liked me!

jeongin: ok i feel like i'm third wheeling now but i started all of this

hyunjin: sorry jeongin 

hyunjin: let's try get some facts straight before continuing

jeongin: to my knowledge  
hyunjin likes seungmin  
seungmin likes hyunjin  
seungmin likes me  
i like hyunjin  
i don't like seungmin  
hyunjin doesn't like me  
is that right?

hyunjin: NO JEONGIN-

hyunjin: I DO LIKE YOU DUMBASS

jeongin: WHAT

jeongin: WHEN

jeongin: HUH

hyunjin: IDK FOR ABOUT A MONTH???

hyunjin: UR CUTE

jeongin: OH 

jeongin: THANK????

jeongin: UR CUTE TOO

seungmin: guys stop yelling >-<

hyunjin: uwu 

hyunjin: okay so we all like each other except jeongin->seungmin?

seungmin: ouch

jeongin: SORRY

hyunjin: and we're not dating because??

 

17:37  
pink sweater hatersTM  
aigee: so

angel: guess who's dating

minhoe: jae and brian?

brain: no

baby drum: sungjin and brian?

bob: YOON DOWOON SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE OR I WILL FEED YOU TO THE SLUGS

baby drum: don't feed me to changbin pls

slorp: biTch

jisungie: are changbin and felix dating??

slorp: what huhh

aussie boi: yes he's my wife uwu

chan: i thought he was your husband

aussie boi: wow i didn't know chan was sexist now

stroek: ??? did you stretch enough before that reach

grass: i hate y'all

aigee: it's me seungmin and hyunjin you roaches

chicken lil: i thought you hated seungmin

aigee: mmm

grass: great okay cool cool cool cool cool

angel: i love you two so much uwu

grass: love you too <3

minhoe: this is a beautiful moment and all but i have to interrupt because JISUNG COOKED THE BABY

bob: not a sentence i thought i'd read today

jisungie: IM SORRY I FORGOT 

minhoe: I AM: DISTRAUGHT

jisungie: IM AS MISERABLE AS YOU ARE ABOUT IT MY DARLING

minhoe: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS

aussie boi: yo who else momentarily forget it was a pasta baby and was concerned as fuck

brain: tbh me

minhoe: I WANT A DIVORCE

unopeel: hopefully bob won't cook your baby brian!

bob: I AHDVE NOWNT IMPOEREGNANNTED BRYIABNANAN


	10. wakey wakey eggs and koala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> purgatory spawn: i miss you two but these babies aren't gonna deliver themselves
> 
> straighty: what the actual fuck jeongin

6:22AM  
pink sweater hatersTM  
jisungie: morning thots

minhoe: i hate you

jisungie: :((((

jisungie: today is the day of the camping trip!!

jisungie: so you'd better all wakey wakey your eggs and bakey or i'll slit your throats

aussie boi: jisung

jisungie: yes sweetheart

aussie boi: i have had 

aussie boi: thirty four minutes sleep

aussie boi: and i can hear colours

angel: wakey wakey eggs and koala

aussie boi: TJHAT DOESNKIT EVEN MAKE SNEJSE KOALSSA DONT LAY EGGS

chan: the implication there that bacon can lay eggs is equally terrifying to the idea of tiny koalas emerging from eggs

slorp: well rise and shine bitch

angel: oof where'd New Changbin come from

minhoe: idk but i like it

chan: also i guessed jae's imessage password

chan: guess what papa chan is giving you for christmas

grass: could you have made that sentence ANY weirder

chan: hopefully not

chicken lil: gday whores it is me chan

angel: i want to be a mall santa when i grow up

minhoe: ominous!

slorp: hyunjin you're already like nine fucking feet tall i'd say that's pretty grown up

chicken lil has changed slorp's username to changbean

changbean: uwu

aussie boi: uwu

minhoe: bleach i need bleach

chicken lil: has changed grass' username to literal satan

angel: i was going to protest but now it matches mine

literal satan: i'll take it

jisungie: what does that make jeongin

aussie boi: purgatory spawn

chicken lil: felix i don't think i can express how much i disagree with what you just said

chicken lil has changed chan's name to straighty

aussie boi: it's so true it hurts

aussie boi: actually everything hurts

straighty: sleep??

jisungie: coming from u

aussie boi: no ur not the boss of me christopher

angel: CHRISTOPHER

minhoe: so who's coming camping again

jisungie: chan felix changbin hyunjin seungmin me you jae brian 

changbean: remind me why the others aren't coming

jisungie: wonpil and dowoon have work sungjin hates us woojin 'didn't want to come to our woodland fuckfest' and jeongin has a midwifery course this weekend ://////

straighty: yeet

minhoe: why is chan up then??

straighty: i haven't slept in two days

aussie boi: CHAN

straighty: no

straighty: so where are jae and brian? shouldn't they be up?

minhoe: you think those annoying fucks ever wake up before noon

aussie boi: i now understand why hyunjin calls you the MEAN HOE

minhoe: thanks

jisungie: IS EVERYBODY PACKED AND WAITING FOR US TO PICK THEM UP

angel: yes chief!

changbean: yeet!

aussie boi: yorp

jisungie: so we stop by jae and brian's first to wake them up and pack their things

jisungie: see y'all in half an hour

 

6:59AM  
jisungie: we have collected jaehyungparkian

chicken lil: everything hurts

aussie boi: mood

minhoe: we also obtained felix and i would say i'm not complaining but i am complaining because i'm in a car with felix and jae at the same time

straighty: who's driving

minhoe: jisung

straighty: oh sweet jesus

minhoe: we're about to collect hyunjin and seungmin

straighty: how do you fit all these people in your car??

minhoe: i have a camper van that i don't use so we're taking it

chicken lil: the idea of jisung driving at all is terrifying but being in such a large vehicle with him behind the wheel has taught me what praying really means

aussie boi: brian has fallen asleep on jae's shoulder

aussie boi: it could be cute but he's crushing jae so instead it's funny

chicken lil: STOP MAKING FUN OF HOW WEAK I AM

chicken lil: also how did you guess my password

straighty: it's the same as your pin number

chicken lil: well that explains where my last paycheck went

straighty: yeet chan wanted mcdonalds

minhoe: how broke are you two??

straighty: so broke

chicken lil: SO BROKE

minhoe: oh lol my parents have a shit ton of cash 

chicken lil: ru kidding me jisung found a man that is pretty, talented AND loaded???

angel: ik the world isn't fair

minhoe: ...you know you could have asked me out any time last year and i probably would've said yes??

angel: tru but aren't we happier i didn't

minhoe: yeah i have jisung and you have satan and the uwu machine

literal satan: do you want to lose your head

minhoe: oh yes

aussie boi: we have seungmin and hyunjin now

angel: i miss jeongin already :((((

literal satan: me too

minhoe: it's been three minutes????

angel: exactly

minhoe: suck it up bitch??

angel: you're MEAN

angel: you're a MEAN HOE

jisungie: THE FUCK U SAY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND

chicken lil: jisung please geT BACK TO DRIVING

chicken lil has changed jisungie's username to angry squirrel

chicken lil: CHAN

chicken lil has changed minhoe's username to meanhoe

meanhoe: i can't even argue 

chicken lil: CHAN LOG OUT

chicken lil: u can't fuckin stop me

literal satan: chan's gone rogue

aussie boi: what a hooligan

straighty: fuck the poleeeec

changbean: do you need help fren

straighty: urgently

meanhoe: we have changbin 

aussie boi: he looks so cute first thing in the morning uwu

changbean: fkshkfjshnsk

chicken lil: we have a long drive ahead of us i think this is our cue to go back to sleep

 

10:03AM  
angry squirrel: we are here!

straighty: damn how long did that fucking take isn't the camping ground only two hours away

literal satan: we had to take an hour stop because jae wanted mcdonalds

chicken lil: a man has his needs

straighty: ITS LITERALLY 10AM??

brain: so we had the breakfast menu???

straighty: y'all need to look after your systems

changbean: chan you've only consumed coffee in the last sixteen hours maybe tone it down

stroek: he slept for eighteen hours on thursday and hasn't slept at all since

aussie boi: oof mood

angel: felix bub you need help

literal satan: wbk

aussie boi: living up to your name SATAN

literal satan: thanks

angry squirrel: so my loaded ass boyfriend has this huge camper van

meanhoe: YOOT

angry squirrel: and we have one tent extra

angry squirrel: so we've divided us into pairs for sleeping arrangements

angry squirrel: me and minho, seungmin and hyunjin, jae and brian, changbin and felix

stroek: sounds like love island so far

changbean: shut your whore mouth kim woojin

angry squirrel: and bc there's six beds in the camper (two doubles, two singles), one pair will sleep outside in the tent and it rotates each night

meanhoe: jisung and i won rock paper scissors so we get to stay in the biggest double tonight and hyunjin and seungmin have the smaller double

angel: fuck u i have long legs

changbean: we know

angel: bitch i'm a daddy fuckin long legs 

straighty: not a sentence i expected to read today

aussie boi: changbin and i have singles tonight and jae and brian are outside

stroek: wink wink nudge nudge

bob: hi gays

literal satan: homophobe

bob: ??? i BREATHED

bob: are jae and brian getting it on yet

brain: no

chicken lil: sadly no

brain: SHUT UP JAE

chicken lil: fuckin make me

aussie boi: the eye contact they're making right now has Weird Energy

brain: Good

bob: wonpil and dowoon LEFT ME

jisungie: good

bob: how dare they be employed

angel: what do you actually do for a living

bob: mooch off their salaries while crying

changbean: just become a soundcloud rapper it's what i do

literal satan: this conversation got real sad real fast

angry squirrel: jaehyungparkian are still making that Weird eye contact i think brian might hit him

meanhoe: where's popcorn when you need it

stroek: keep us posted kids

angel: where does the name jaehyungparkian even come from

straighty: it's the stupid ass ship name jae gave them last year and it just,,, stuck

aussie boi: ok guys we can chill brian hit him

brain: and he deserved it

chicken lil: debatable???

brain: No

chicken lil: Storytime: My Homophobic Roommate

brain: IM LITERALLY BI-

aussie boi: oh my gOD just fuck it out guys

brain: no

angry squirrel: brian still hasn't given birth

brain: it's true i'm very pregnant

bob: are we still making that joke

brain: ur child isn't a joke sungjin

bob: STOP????

meanhoe: i could be a father right now if not for jisung

angry squirrel: IM SORRY I COOKED THE BABY??

meanhoe: SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH

aigee: good morning

chicken lil has changed aigee's username to purgatory spawn

literal satan: NO

angel: CHAN STOP

straighty: eheheheheheheehehehehe

stroek: good morning!

straighty: good morning my love

stroek: good morning my darling

angel: and these are the straight ones

angry squirrel: ha heteros

stroek: i hope you choke :)

angry squirrel: i hope minho chokes me

angry squirrel: i mean what

meanhoe: that.. can be arranged

changbean: Y'ALL STOP

bob: NO SEXTING IN HERE

aussie boi: NO GUYS KEEP THEM SEXTING OTHERWISE THEY'LL FUCK NOW AND WE HAVE TO SHARE THEIR CAMPER

bob: ok sexting in chat is permitted 

bob: this once

bob: to save felix

changbean: felix

aussie boi: yes my wife

changbean: i want cuddle 

angel: i'll cuddle you

literal satan: no!!

literal satan: no changbin cuddle! only seungmin cuddle

angel: uwu okay 

purgatory spawn: i miss you two but these babies aren't gonna deliver themselves

straighty: what the actual fuck jeongin

 

15:24PM  
aussie boi: update on camping

aussie boi: changbin is the only perk and i am actually going to strangle jisung in his sleep

meanhoe: not if i do it first

angry squirrel: first off, not what i meant when i told you to choke me

angry squirrel: second off i burned ONE mattress sue me

meanhoe: i will sue you bc that's MY mattress

stroek: trouble in paradise??

unopeel: oof i'm so glad i'm not there

baby drum: me too 

straighty: do either of you want a new username

baby drum: yes i'm too old to be a baby

brain: incorrect

chicken lil has changed baby drum's username to duwun

purgatory spawn: I KNOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DOWOON WITH UWU IN THE MIDDLE BUT I CANT STOP FUCKIGN LAUHGING

duwun: i identify as this username

unopeel: uwu!

chicken lil: chan stop doing this????

bob: just change your password?

chicken lil: how about NO

straighty: tell felix he left his pyjamas here

aussie boi: SHIT

angel: guess he'll just have to share changbin's ;)

changbean: HYUNJIN

changbean: STOP

aussie boi: minho oppa do you have any spares

meanhoe: i don't know why you thought calling me oppa would make me more compliant

aussie boi: fuck

aussie boi: what do i do

angry squirrel: just sleep in your clothes??

unopeel: i worry about both of you

brain: i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with these idiots for a week. great.

duwun: do it for the vine brian

chicken lil: good news

chicken lil: minho and jisung are getting a divorce

bob: we really need to revise your definition of good news

stroek: what are they fighting about now

brain: still the pasta baby actually

chicken lil: they're so dysfunctional it's adorable

unopeel: did all of us forget that jae and brian kissed?

meanhoe: i didn't!

purgatory spawn: me neither!

brain: shut up toads 

literal satan: :)

unopeel: how are y'all still not together

chicken lil: i'm not listening to the snake

duwun: no seriously guys, it's clear to everyone around you that there's some repressed feelings between the two of you, and as your friends we love you and want the best for you, and all of us agree you would be happier if you were dating than continuing as you are now

brain: FINE

straighty: what

brian: jAE

chicken lil: WHAT

brain: WANNA DATE

brain: ASSHOLE

chicken lil: I GUESS YEAH

chicken lil: BITCH

brain: FINE THEN

chicken lil: FINE

changbean: brian just grabbed his hand and dragged him outside the camper i don't want to think about why

unopeel: im

duwun: did that actually work

stroek: i think it did

bob: FUCKING FINALLY

angry squirrel: can you believe all it took was dowoon using commas.

duwun: dowoon is gone. onnly duwun remains

aussie boi: ur batman

straighty: LET US REJOICE

chicken lil has changed the chat name to jaehyungparkian is real

straighty: let the new era begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i disappeared! here's 2000 words to make up for it. merry christmas!


	11. jaehyungparkian is real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah i didn't update in forever WHOOPSIES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new usernames!!  
> sungjin - bob  
> jae - chicken lil  
> brian - brain  
> wonpil - unopeel  
> dowoon - duwun  
> chan - straighty  
> woojin - stroek  
> minho - meanhoe  
> changbin - changbean  
> hyunjin - angel  
> jisung - angry squirrel  
> felix - aussie boi  
> seungmin - literal satan  
> jeongin - purgatory spawn

22:35PM  
jaehyungparkian is real  
straighty: how's camping going?

aussie boi: hellish

meanhoe: lets put it this way

meanhoe: if you thought jisung and i were like rabbits

meanhoe: you have not had to stay on the same camping trip as sexually frustrated jaehyungparkian

purgatory spawn: ewwww

changbean: i need to bleach my ears

literal satan: at least you didn't SEE IT

stroek: i struggle to sympathise with you because you're all hell children

angel: thanks mama

literal satan: i walked outside for ONE second and they traumatised me

angel: my poor baby :((((((

purgatory spawn: ha get rekt 

aussie boi: there are two kinds of boyfriend

literal satan: i can't unsee it

bob: this is how i feel every time i walk in on dopil

unopeel: uhh that's a privilege 

bob: where is your better half anyways

unopeel: at a dreamcatcher concert

changbean: the lucky fucker i love dreamcatcher

aussie boi: omg who's your bias

changbean: dami 

aussie boi: oh we stan!! 

aussie boi: mine's handong 

angry squirrel: the taste jumped out

angry squirrel: i WISH i could be with dowoon and not trying to unhear my brother fucking his roommate

meanhoe: wow this must have been building up for a really long time

bob: TRUST ME it has been

unopeel: ever since before they moved in with each other

straighty: i've known ever since they started saying no homo

literal satan: they haven't stopped saying it

stroek: Normal Couple Things

straighty: are they even officially dating yet?

angel: are you even officially dating woojin yet?

straighty: try me dickbag

stroek: shhh we're both still pretending to be straight

purgatory spawn: it's okay guys leave them with their denial

meanhoe: RIGHT that is IT i can't take hearing them anymore

unopeel: wait wait wait what is minho doing

angry squirrel: HSDAKDKSKD 

angry squirrel: I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND

stroek: WHAT'D HE DO

literal satan: SKSDJSKD MINHO IS MY HERO

angry squirrel: HE LITERALLY STORMED OVER TO THE TENT

angry squirrel: OPENED THE ZIPPER

angry squirrel: SCREAMED SHUT THE FUCK UP

angry squirrel: AND LEFT THE TENT UNZIPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

meanhoe: hope they freeze

meanhoe: ly2 sungie 

angry squirrel:<3

 

22:48PM  
jeonghyunmin  
hyunjin: hey <<333

seungmin: that's not an equal ratio of < to 3 but i'll let it slide 

seungmin: for now

hyunjin: this is why jeongin doesn't love you

jeongin: shots FIRED

seungmin: this is supposed to be a soft gc :(((

hyunjin: if i wanted to be in a soft gc i wouldn't be dating two incarnates of satan

jeongin: thanks 

jeongin: why did i get the overwhelminig urge to say 'thanks dad'

seungmin: bc u have a daddy kink

jeongin: no ew thagt's chan

hyunjin: u ain't wrong about that

hyunjin: N E WAYS i came on here to tell you both that i love you <<<33 and that i miss jeongin a lot :(

jeongin: i miss you guys too <<33333

seungmin: i really think you guys are doing the heart thing to spite me and i don't Like it

hyunjin: who has admin rights in this chat

jeongin: i think you 

hyunjin: niCe

hyunjin has changed hyunjin's username to jinnie

jinnie has changed seungmin's username to minnie

jinnie has changed jeongin's username to innie

jinnie: uwuw

innie: you won't make me say uwu

minnie: one day

jinnie: <<<333

minnie: FINALLY

minnie: i love u guys

minnie: a lot

jinnie: ily2

innie: i love you both

jinnie: SEUNGMIN STARTED CRYING

minnie: YOU CAN'T JUST SPRING THAT ON ME JEONGIN

innie: oh :(((

minnie: ilyyy

innie: :)

 

22:56PM  
jaehyungparkian is real   
aussie boi: yo why is seungmin crying

angel: jeongin said he loves him

stroek: AWWWWEWWAWEWAWWW

purgatory spawn: (:

unopeel: aww uwuwuwu

changbean: jisung and minho are cuddling this is DISGUSTING i didn't give permission for affection in this camper van

angry squirrel: fuck you sok changbun

chicken lil has changed changbean's username to sok changbun

sok changbun: i'm being ATTACKED

bob: jae???

straighty: nah just me

stroek: he really needs to change his password

aussie boi: changbin :(( come cuddle me

sok changbun: what's in it for me

aussie boi: love! :D

sok changbun: sign me up 

angel: this is just one massive camper van of affection 

unopeel: with a weird sex tent outside

stroek: WHY did you bring the sex tent back up

unopeel: FUCK i just burned my hand in a toaster

straighty: kinky

bob: WHAT are you doing with a toaster at 11pm???

unopeel: miind your own fucking business old man

bob: first off rude

bob: second off i will beat your ass don't try me bitch

straighty: again... kinky

purgatory spawn: hyunjin u better be giving seungmin the biggest cuddle rn

angel: you bet i am 

purgatory spawn: gn imma sleep ily 

purgatory spawn: only gn to hyunjin and seungmin tho i hate the rest of you soulless rats

purgatory spawn: have a horrible night

sok changbun: that's not very friendly

literal satan: nobody fucking asked changbin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so it's shorter than usual but HEY at least i posted? 
> 
> and pls!! check out my new story which is minsung oriented!!


End file.
